The end of my current life

Ok, so it's not that bad. My life as I know it is ending, and the new one is beginning. The journey in to fatherhood. Something I have never experienced before. No more late night parties. No running off with Carlie when ever we please. No more band. It's time to grow up.

And believe it or not, i'm ok with that. I think I will really take to this whole Dad thing. For some reason I feel like i'm ready to take up the challenge. But that doesn't mean i'm absolutely terrified at the same time.

Jayden is going to be born in a little over a month. It's funny, because when I look back at my life a year ago, I couldn't even imagine Carlie being pregnant. And now I can't imagine her NOT being pregnant. I'm so used to Jayden kicking around in her stomach. But soon, he's going to grace us with his presence. I honestly believe I will do just fine with him when he's home. Carlie and I will bring him in to the most loving home and family. That part is great. And I will learn a lot... even how to do the whole poop diaper thing.

No, it's not raising him that absolutely terrified of. (It's still a bit frightening) But it's the day he comes that has me anxious. I haven't done this before. I have to watch the one I love go through a miserable amount of pain. That in itself is not easy to watch. Furthermore, i'm going to feel pretty useless. I don't know how to help her. I definitely can't help the doctors. I'm just the "guy in the way". I don't know what to expect. Entirely. I do feel a lot better having watched some of the instructional birth videos and what to expect in the delivery room. I even know some of the medical jargon used in the room so I can pay attention. But i'm generally the anxious type. The fear of the unknown. I'm like a cat. I'm nervious and anxious as hell about it. I may even be scared, but i'm so damn curious I always check it out.

With that said, i'm sure i'm going to be a complete babbling idiot in the delivery room. I'm going to be a nervous wreck. Confused. Out of it. Stressed. Anxious. It's the stupid kind of thought process where you worry about literally everything down to whether or not you drop the poor little kid on his head when you attempt to hold him for the first time. You get so wrapped up in worrying that you are going to pass out, I can see how it's easy to miss the moment completely. Even if you DON'T pass out. So what am I going to do?

I have absolutely no idea. I'm just going to get through it. I'm going to be there for Carlie, because it's about the only useless thing I can do. Being a guy sucks sometimes, because you're just expected to be there and support them. We don't have to go through all the pain and agony of child birth. And we constantly get railed for it too. That's not fair. You hear the cliche, "I would take away her pain if I could." And I bet a million women would call shenanigans if you said it. But even I have thought those same things up in my head. And not only do I believe it, but if I could prove it.. I would somehow. Regardless, I have no way of really experiencing what she will feel. I'm just the "dumb male" who got laid, knocked her up, and didn't have to suffer through it all.

I'm sure this will be a lot easier for me to manage the 2nd time around. I'm the sort of person that becomes comfortable with change when i'm experienced in it. This is so completely new and foreign to me, the first time through is going to be a head trip. A little over a month to go... man i'm so excited.

And terrified. lol